Inside The Royal Palace - The Realm in Lockdown

A bit of silliness to toss out at the world today. I’m afraid this is what happens when I start pondering how two of my characters in particular would cope if the Royal Palace of The Realm happened to go into a lockdown situation. Please forgive me for stealing a line from the BBC’s 1995 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice too, but it just fitted too beautifully in both word and sentiment. I blame the BBC for repeating it. ;)

******************

KNOCK KNOCK.

“Hello sir, no need to open the door. It’s Pious the Priest here, just checking in on behalf of the Officious Courtiers to see how you are coping in this unprecedented isolation?”

“No need to call me sir, honestly! And coping? You know, I really am absolutely fine. In fact – well, I hate to say so, given the dreadful situation and all but... This has actually been a bit of a godsend! I’ve got so much done! I mean, all those rock samples, I was so behind on cataloguing them and now, everything’s neatly sorted and put away...”

“That’s good, sir. Now...”

“I finished my stratigraphy diagrams of the geology of those caves in the Most Savage Mountains, which really is absolutely fascinating to observe, given the way the different layers of rock contribute to make those really jagged peaks...”

“How nice, sir. But...”

”And  I’ve caught up on so much reading and had a proper go through of my notes, which is just marvellous.  I’m having ideas that would never have occurred otherwise! Not to mention...”

“All very well, sir, but if you’ll permit me to ask something?”

“Oh goodness yes, you don’t need to listen to be rambling away! Do carry on.”

“How are you doing, sir? Is there anything more you need?”

“Well... of course, I do feel rather sad that I can’t go into the mountains at the moment or practice my sword-smithing down at the forge but... well, I suppose I don’t need those things, do I? I mean one has to make the best of things, doesn’t one?”

“Well, indeed, sir. But I was referring to more practical things. Do you have everything you need to get by in your chambers? Are the meals the Servants are delivering sufficient?”

“Ah, yes, I meant to say – you know I feel that since I have a perfectly good cauldron and fireplace right here, that it’s a dreadful imposition to still expect the Servants to trouble themselves going down to the kitchens for me. Some firewood and a supply of ingredients are really all I need. If it’s safe, I would even be quite happy to go and collect them myself so as not to put them to any trouble...”

“That’s what they are there for, sir.”

“Yes, but still... Surely they have as much right to stay safe as the rest of us! I mean...”

“It’s a nice thought, sir, but since your Royal brethren are still requesting their services, it wouldn’t make much difference to them missing one door out.”

“Oh, well. Still, ask them, won’t you? If it would help?”

“If you say so, sir. Now, one final matter? How are you managing in isolation? Are you missing your Family?”

“Well, it’s an awful shame not to be able to catch up with Mother and Uncle Primp...”

“I was referring more to the Royal Family at large, sir, and the Palace’s regular social gatherings?”

“Oh. Those. Well, you know me, Pious. I find I can bear the solitude very cheerfully.”

“I’m sure you can, sir. Keep safe.”

“Yes, of course. And you too!”

******************

KNOCK KNOCK.

“Hello madam, no need to open the door. It’s Pious the Priest here, just checking in...”

DOOR SLAMS OPEN.

“This is unacceptable, do you hear me? How is anyone supposed to live like this? I want my Maid back in here right now, or I will make your life a living hell, do you understand? Have you seen my hair?”

“I can now, madam. Perhaps if you could close the door? The precautions, you understand...”

DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

“Thank you, madam. Now, as to your Maid - I’m sure you understand in these difficult times...”

“Difficult times? What do you know about difficult? I am having to do every single thing for myself! I’m brushing my own hair! Dressing myself! I have to carry those dreadful, mucky cauldrons inside my own chambers and serve my own food like some kind of... of peasant! I dropped my best silk handkerchief under the bed yesterday and actually had to bend down and retrieve it from that awful spot with no help whatsoever. And it’s filthy under there, who’s going to clean that up? I demand you send back my Maid! Now!”

“I’m sorry, madam, that really isn’t possible. As the Servants live in their own quarters, she isn’t a part of your household...”

DOOR SLAMS OPEN.

“Not a part of my household? What do you think this building is? This entire Palace is my household and she’s a part of it. Send her back immediately!”

“This building has seven hundred rooms, madam. It’s a little big for one household. And... the door?”

DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

“Now madam, I’ve been asked to check on whether or not you have everything you need to get by in your chambers...”

“I need my MAID!”

“And that your meals from the Servants are sufficient...”

“That cauldron slop! How am I expected to eat without a properly set up banqueting hall? Where’s the silverware? The goblets? The dribbling candlesticks? The Servants to bring me whatever I need? It’s totally unreasonable!”

“And how you are coping without seeing your Family?”

“I worry more for them. I shudder to think how much they must be yearning for my company by now. My poor parents, how they must be suffering without me....”

“I saw them earlier, madam. They seemed in quite good spirits.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Your parents, madam. I thought you’d like to know. They are coping quite well.”

“Wait. They aren’t pining for me? They aren’t rending their garments and sobbing in desperate want of my company?”

“Ummm... not that I could see, madam.”

DOOR SLAMS OPEN.

“How dare you? You come down here, refuse to return my Maid, expect me to dirty my fingernails like some common wench and eat slop from a cauldron and now you have the gall to tell me my family isn’t even writhing in grievous pain at my absence? That was all that was keeping me going, the thought that they missed me more than they could bear and you, you’ve destroyed that beautiful picture! This is intolerable behaviour. I’ve half a mind to call the Palace Guard!”

“The Guard have been furloughed, madam. But if there is any more we can do to help you to look after yourself or cope better in isolation...”

DOOR IS SLAMMED SHUT AGAIN.

“Very well, madam. Keep... safe.”

“BEGONE, WRETCH!”

“Yes, madam. Whatever you say, madam....”