In Honour of Census Weekend

I actually wrote this as an office joke in honour of the previous census in 2011. To be fair, the tone of the 2021 census was slightly less militant than that one but I stand by being bewildered as to why the bloody hell they need to know my qualifications, means of getting to work, state of health and type of central flipping heating! In the olden days, they just wrote down who you were, where you lived, where you were born, what you did and if you were nuts and that just about covered it...

This is your census speaking. You WILL complete every question. You will NOT skip anything. You will NOT make jokes. You will NOT say you're a bloody JEDI. You WILL read every line of every page and divulge every piece of information we ask of you or say goodbye to your house pet, sunshine. Answer and weep, suckers....

HOUSEHOLD QUESTIONS (Example selection)

Can we see your house from here? Yes/No

How many plug sockets do you have in your walls? How many are on average in use on the third Friday of a given month, assuming it is neither a full moon, Christmas, or the twelfth of never? How many are taken up by electrical equipment you never bloody use?

What did you have for tea tonight? Why didn't you have something healthy, you reprobate?

Have you done the washing up yet? Yes/No If not, why not?

Look out of your window. What birdies can you see? (if you are unsure of what the birdies are, please refer to subsection 16, the Springwatch website. Inaccurate identification is punishable by the confiscation of the closest related small child).

Copy paste your recent internet history here. We could use a laugh.

What colour would you say your walls are? Select from the following options:

Magnolia

Beige

Magnolia

Cream

Magnolia

Off white

Some freakish colour you should be ashamed of (please specify)

What TV listing magazine do you use?

Radio Times

TV Times

One of those cheap, crappy ones

Newspaper listings

On screen guide because I'm a cheapskate

I switch it on and go with whatever

How many individuals in your household does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

INDIVIDUAL QUESTIONS (Example selection)

Each person in each household must be included. If you live alone, you're a sad, lonely loser, but this won't take as long:

Please count all bacteria currently living on your skin. Specify breeds and possible uses/diseases associated with them.

What colour nail polish do you use? Please state make, shade and quantity used in a month. If you do not use nail polish, we shall assume that you bite your nails.

In the last twelve months have you:

Skived off work sick because you couldn't be arsed

Had man-flu

Gone into work even though you really shouldn't

Gone into casualty and wished you hadn't

Called your hangover a migraine

Headbutted a moose

What qualifications do you have and if you're telling the truth, why aren't you earning more money?

You put your right foot in. Would you then:

Put your right foot out

Put your left foot in

Shake it all about

Would you describe yourself as:

Scottish

Welsh

Irish

British

Racist (technically English but you know people will assume that's what you really mean, you non-Celtic BNP supporting bastard)

Given the choice, would you rather watch:

The Apprentice

Strictly Come Dancing

Britain's Got Talent

Top Gear

Line of Duty

Some soap or another

The first three-quarters of any 9pm BBC Two documentary, that in you will always sleep through the end of no matter how interesting it is

How do you spend your journey to work?

Sat next to the nutter on the bus, because he always sits next to you

Swearing at the stupid bugger who just cut you up

Waiting for the train that never bloody comes

In hospital, after being knocked off your bike by a white van

Wishing you'd thought to wear different shoes before you decided to walk

What is the name of the small, purple giraffe that lives in your subconscious?

Harold

Bert

Marmaduke

Bob

Ermintrude

Lord Whoopsie Heehaw Willoughby Smythe the Third

Other

If you have no purple giraffe at present, please wait until the end of this form and then return to this question because he's bound to be along by then.

Are you still clinging to some rogue, random hint of sanity? If so, how?

Do you think this stuff is any of our bloody business? Yes/Tough noogies

Please submit this now. If you don't, we now know who you are, where you live and could easily clone you and replace you with a more compliant replica. So there.

SUBMIT. You must submit or you will be exterminated! Exterminate, EXTERMINATE....

 


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